Cycle 29, day 14

It's CD14, 3rd month on fertility drugs.

I'm umming and ahhing about this months cycle. I took clomid on CDs 3-7 (late because my period arrived so early last month we had no drugs with us when we were away for the weekend). The last two cycles I could feel golf balls in my belly by cd10 or 11. Nothing doing this time round. I had a scan on cd11 and there were only two small follicles - around 12mm and 16mm - as well as a few teeny ones, and my lining was a measly 6mm. Usually I'm well into the 20mm stakes by now and my lining's about 8mm so Gynie thought I'd another few days to go yet.

He offered me another scan later in the week but I figured I'd know when I was about to Ovulate (cue Buddha belly), so he was happy for me to go ahead with TSI (Timed Sexual Intercourse - how romantic!). L and I decided on a relaxed, every-other-day approach and the last couple of days my belly has been seriously sore and is starting to swell. I don't think I've OV'd yet, but then again, you never know.... I might get back to you on that one.

This is possibly our last attempt with clomid. By now, I've read all the statistics, I've responded well, and I really should've been pregnant last time around - I could tell by the look on my Gynie's face when I told him it hadn't happened. I've a 40% chance of conceiving within the first three months of clomid so there is still a lot of hope on this cycle, but Gynie has said in his opinion it's time to move to IUI if this one doesn't work.

IUI....
IUI!!!!!
Yikes.... Mr Google was kept busy after that appointment!

The plan is to do injectibles to stimulate my follicles, and then a trigger, followed by insemination. Gynie feels the injectibles will thicken my lining more (better than the clomid) and this will give us a better shot. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained!

So I guess I almost feel like this cycle is over already and have been thinking about the next step. I am reading up, discussing, thinking, debating IUI, statistics and all. Once you get on this rollercoaster of TTC it seems to take on a life of it's own, and I just follow, relieved that we are at least doing something now.

On that last note, I do feel we are fighting "proper" infertility now, if there is such a thing. Up to now, I've been feeling it's a mixture of bad luck and not trying hard enough. But honestly, how hard do you have to try after all these months? We've done the meds and they haven't worked (so far), and we're moving on to ART.

A year ago I was just one of "those women" who was probably seen as obsessing about TTC and was worrying about nothing; now we are gearing up for the most invasive treatment yet, and in all likelihood will be moving to IVF if our three attempts at IUI are not a blast.

And yet, all of this comes at a premium. We have paid to have this treatment, see this consultant, start these meds etc... The NHS saw us almost a year ago, gave us a clean bill of health and told us to go away for a year and get pregnant. Emmm, well that didn't quite work...
So really, we should still be waiting patiently for our next follow-up to discuss the next step (NHS consultant suggested possibly clomid if nothing had happened by Jan 08). And we realise how fortunate we are that we have the funds there for me to see my own gynie privately. I was going stir-crazy when no one wanted to know. I couldn't take month after month of hope, then despair, then hope again...

This month I received that follow-up appointment from the NHS; I'm back at the clinic in two weeks time for a review. I'm still going along to it because I want to tell the consultant how far we've come:
"Remember you told us you'd think about clomid in a year's time... well, we've been there, done that..."
(There's still a part of the Optimistic Me who hopes to add "AND HEY! Guess what?! We're pregnant - from clomid - after all!!!")

Private thoughts

Part of me regrets that we've had to do this privately. And part of me is relieved also. With the NHS, we should only be thinking about starting drugs sometime in the near future, so that iui, and ivf and all those other options would still be pipedreams. As it stands, we may possibly have our longed-for baby in the next 12 months or so.... or at least be far closer to it than if we were going public.
I hate that the system works that way, and I am so angry for all those other women who are just like me but can't afford to do what we are doing.
It's so unfair. But I thank God every day that we don't have to wait.