I realise I haven't written much about my new job. Simply put, it is going well and I am learning the ropes. I am enjoying getting to know people, learning the systems, keeping myself busy. We are still in the early stages of our research and we've yet to send out our questionnaires (fingers crossed, this week), but I am so looking forward to receiving them back and getting to grips with our participant's feedback and experiences.
I hope we will really be able to contribute to academic writing and that we produce some worthwhile results. I'll be updating soon - well, as soon as though damn questionnaires come through!
GG
Monday 25 June 2007
for lost women everywhere
Today I read on various other blogs how two wonderful, intelligent, charming women have both lost their chance to have a baby. One with a failed ivf, another heartbreakingly having had 5 consecutive early miscarriages (you know who you are).
I am so upset for them, so heartbroken for any woman who loses their baby. Nobody should have to go through such immense angst, pain and disappointment. And yet I also feel that I will never KNOW what they are feeling, because I have never been given the opportunity to know what it's like to have something real, living, growing inside of me. How can I really sympathise with their loss when I have no concept of the joy they had originally felt?
I have always felt a little sorry for myself that I have never been pregnant. Yes, I have wallowed a little in that sense of "it will never happen?", "why me"? etc etc. Who knows if it will or it won't. I'm not doing anything differently now than I did before; I guess I have as much chance each month as I had the previous one. This brings me no comfort, no encouragement.
And I have to confess, I have always thought I'd rather BE pregnant and lose our baby, than never be pregnant ever. It seems awful written down like that, but I honestly thought "at least I would KNOW what it's like to have that bfp, even if it's just for a few days, hours, weeks..." To be able to finally achieve that which we've been attempting for so long now. To know how other women feel, just for an instance, would be better than never knowing, never feeling I've fulfilled my destiny of carrying a child.
But is that really the case? Am I really sure I would prefer to have "loved and lost"? Perhaps I will never know what it is like to be pregnant. To hit that euphoric high I see in other people's faces. Perhaps I will rue my words if some day in the future we get our much-longed for bfp and all our joy and happiness gets snatched away from us again. Maybe then I will be in a position to truly sympathise with all those who have suffered.
Perhaps I am better off never being pregnant, and never going through the awful, terrible heartache that women everywhere go through, some - tragically, unforgivingly - many, many times over. But I sure as hell don't feel it. I feel empty. I feel a failure. And those wonderful women must feel upteen times worse.
Now I feel selfish for wanting what women who lose babies have. That knowledge, brief as it is, of what it is like to really create something, something that is purely yours, you and your partners. How could I even feel this way? Why would I want this? What is happening to me?
Yet infertility eats me up, slowly gnawing away at my insides, and gradually wearing me down, so I'm always wanting something I can't have. I hate that I can't be happy for people anymore, just genuinely happy that they are pregnant, because in the back of my mind I am thinking "why you, why not me?" I hate that I have to "put on" a face when I see pregnant family and friends. I am ashamed of how I feel.
I am lost, lost amongst dreams that may never be realised, and I am surrounded by so many others. I am bitter and I am sad. No one deserves to be in this place.
GG
I am so upset for them, so heartbroken for any woman who loses their baby. Nobody should have to go through such immense angst, pain and disappointment. And yet I also feel that I will never KNOW what they are feeling, because I have never been given the opportunity to know what it's like to have something real, living, growing inside of me. How can I really sympathise with their loss when I have no concept of the joy they had originally felt?
I have always felt a little sorry for myself that I have never been pregnant. Yes, I have wallowed a little in that sense of "it will never happen?", "why me"? etc etc. Who knows if it will or it won't. I'm not doing anything differently now than I did before; I guess I have as much chance each month as I had the previous one. This brings me no comfort, no encouragement.
And I have to confess, I have always thought I'd rather BE pregnant and lose our baby, than never be pregnant ever. It seems awful written down like that, but I honestly thought "at least I would KNOW what it's like to have that bfp, even if it's just for a few days, hours, weeks..." To be able to finally achieve that which we've been attempting for so long now. To know how other women feel, just for an instance, would be better than never knowing, never feeling I've fulfilled my destiny of carrying a child.
But is that really the case? Am I really sure I would prefer to have "loved and lost"? Perhaps I will never know what it is like to be pregnant. To hit that euphoric high I see in other people's faces. Perhaps I will rue my words if some day in the future we get our much-longed for bfp and all our joy and happiness gets snatched away from us again. Maybe then I will be in a position to truly sympathise with all those who have suffered.
Perhaps I am better off never being pregnant, and never going through the awful, terrible heartache that women everywhere go through, some - tragically, unforgivingly - many, many times over. But I sure as hell don't feel it. I feel empty. I feel a failure. And those wonderful women must feel upteen times worse.
Now I feel selfish for wanting what women who lose babies have. That knowledge, brief as it is, of what it is like to really create something, something that is purely yours, you and your partners. How could I even feel this way? Why would I want this? What is happening to me?
Yet infertility eats me up, slowly gnawing away at my insides, and gradually wearing me down, so I'm always wanting something I can't have. I hate that I can't be happy for people anymore, just genuinely happy that they are pregnant, because in the back of my mind I am thinking "why you, why not me?" I hate that I have to "put on" a face when I see pregnant family and friends. I am ashamed of how I feel.
I am lost, lost amongst dreams that may never be realised, and I am surrounded by so many others. I am bitter and I am sad. No one deserves to be in this place.
GG
Monday 18 June 2007
The cost of intervening - or not
Last night, the hubster and I went out for a bite to eat in the evening, partly because I was feeling too lazy to cook, and partly because hubster had worked hard in the garden all afternoon and deserved a treat. We popped down the road for some pasta and garlic bread, and shared a bottle of yummy Cab Sauv, and were walking home around quarter to ten ...
L heard the noise first, and we both saw what looked, to all intents, like an attempted car jacking ahead in the road. A woman was screaming, over and over, sounding terrified, after a man had jumped into her car on the passenger side. There was a scuffle inside and she jumped out of the drivers side, still screaming "get out of my car" and "help!!!" and "get my son out, help me get my son out!!!".
Hubster wanted to intervene, and started to approach the car, but I held him back... I gave him my mobile and told him to call the police and I approached the car. On her side. I don't know why, but something in my brain was saying it's less risky for a woman to approach a woman, rather than a man approaching a man. The woman was hysterical, screaming about getting her son, but when I approached her I realised she knew the man in the passenger seat - he kept calling her name, trying to get her to listen to him and get back in the car.
So the situation was "domestic". To intervene or not to intervene? There are many who would say walk away and don't look back, but I was out on the road, by the rear door, behind the driver's seat, trying to coax her desperately upset child that it was going to be ok. I tried my best to calm them both, the woman was still screaming "help me get my son out of the car" and the man was still trying to placate her.
A six year old boy was positioned between them, traumatised and in tears.
We managed to get the little boy out of the car, and by this stage another couple had joined the fray, as well as a gentleman from a house across the road. We all tried to comfort the boy while the woman and man - eventually - got out of the road and the car and walked a short distance away to continue their screaming match "in private"...
Meanwhile, hubster had been hanging on the line for the police and eventually gave up and hung up. The police rang back a few minutes later, after we had got everyone out of the car - and so he told them things were under control - we thought - and we were advised to call back immediately if we needed assistance. Luckily, we didn't have to.
We chatted to the little boy, trying to distract him and calm him; the other woman who intervened was a teacher and asked him lots of questions (we discovered PE was his favourite subject at school); her brother told him about the Athens Olympics; the friendly neighbour went into his house and came out with an apple for him, and hubster took off his coat and put it on him to keep him warm. He was shaking. I turned the cuffs up so his hands could reach through the sleeves to eat his apple, it just made him look ever more vulnerable in this jacket that fell down around his ankles and his hands.
Poor little thing. My heart ached.
In the end, the man and woman came back to the car and put their son in the back. They were both calmer but tension was noticeably still in the air. People stood around, not sure whether to move on or not, but we ultimately decided to say goodbye and walk on slowly. The police didn't need to come - or so I hoped - and we drifted away. We walked on up the road, stopped every now and then to look over our shoulder and make sure they were ok - but eventually turned off into our road and our home.
It was only when we got indoors that we could really talk about it. L said he thought he saw the man strike the woman when he jumped into the car initially. He thinks he saw his arm stretch across, and her head swing into the window as if on impact. I didn't see this, and I was left with a feeling that maybe I had failed her. Maybe there was something more I could do.
How do we know whether we should intervene in any situation? How do we know what is the right thing to do? I felt we did the right thing, and I believe it was best for me to approach the woman, rather than my husband, and try to neutralise the situation somehow. I don't know why; I hope it was the right thing to do.
But I also hope telling the police not to come after all was the right thing to do. I couldn't sleep last night thinking that the little boy might end up in tears again. And his mum. Or worse.
And then this morning I read about the shooting in Melbourne, where an innocent bystander intervened in a fight between a man and a woman, and was shot dead - in the middle of the morning rushhour. The woman - who knew her attacker - and another bystander are critical in hospital. I believe the shooter is still on the run.
It made my blood go cold - we acted on instinct to help someone clearly in distress, as did this innocent in Australia, and he paid with his life. I feel somehow guilty, that it was him and not me, and also relieved, that it was not me.
The Melbourne story is here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/australia/story/0,,2105568,00.html
GG
L heard the noise first, and we both saw what looked, to all intents, like an attempted car jacking ahead in the road. A woman was screaming, over and over, sounding terrified, after a man had jumped into her car on the passenger side. There was a scuffle inside and she jumped out of the drivers side, still screaming "get out of my car" and "help!!!" and "get my son out, help me get my son out!!!".
Hubster wanted to intervene, and started to approach the car, but I held him back... I gave him my mobile and told him to call the police and I approached the car. On her side. I don't know why, but something in my brain was saying it's less risky for a woman to approach a woman, rather than a man approaching a man. The woman was hysterical, screaming about getting her son, but when I approached her I realised she knew the man in the passenger seat - he kept calling her name, trying to get her to listen to him and get back in the car.
So the situation was "domestic". To intervene or not to intervene? There are many who would say walk away and don't look back, but I was out on the road, by the rear door, behind the driver's seat, trying to coax her desperately upset child that it was going to be ok. I tried my best to calm them both, the woman was still screaming "help me get my son out of the car" and the man was still trying to placate her.
A six year old boy was positioned between them, traumatised and in tears.
We managed to get the little boy out of the car, and by this stage another couple had joined the fray, as well as a gentleman from a house across the road. We all tried to comfort the boy while the woman and man - eventually - got out of the road and the car and walked a short distance away to continue their screaming match "in private"...
Meanwhile, hubster had been hanging on the line for the police and eventually gave up and hung up. The police rang back a few minutes later, after we had got everyone out of the car - and so he told them things were under control - we thought - and we were advised to call back immediately if we needed assistance. Luckily, we didn't have to.
We chatted to the little boy, trying to distract him and calm him; the other woman who intervened was a teacher and asked him lots of questions (we discovered PE was his favourite subject at school); her brother told him about the Athens Olympics; the friendly neighbour went into his house and came out with an apple for him, and hubster took off his coat and put it on him to keep him warm. He was shaking. I turned the cuffs up so his hands could reach through the sleeves to eat his apple, it just made him look ever more vulnerable in this jacket that fell down around his ankles and his hands.
Poor little thing. My heart ached.
In the end, the man and woman came back to the car and put their son in the back. They were both calmer but tension was noticeably still in the air. People stood around, not sure whether to move on or not, but we ultimately decided to say goodbye and walk on slowly. The police didn't need to come - or so I hoped - and we drifted away. We walked on up the road, stopped every now and then to look over our shoulder and make sure they were ok - but eventually turned off into our road and our home.
It was only when we got indoors that we could really talk about it. L said he thought he saw the man strike the woman when he jumped into the car initially. He thinks he saw his arm stretch across, and her head swing into the window as if on impact. I didn't see this, and I was left with a feeling that maybe I had failed her. Maybe there was something more I could do.
How do we know whether we should intervene in any situation? How do we know what is the right thing to do? I felt we did the right thing, and I believe it was best for me to approach the woman, rather than my husband, and try to neutralise the situation somehow. I don't know why; I hope it was the right thing to do.
But I also hope telling the police not to come after all was the right thing to do. I couldn't sleep last night thinking that the little boy might end up in tears again. And his mum. Or worse.
And then this morning I read about the shooting in Melbourne, where an innocent bystander intervened in a fight between a man and a woman, and was shot dead - in the middle of the morning rushhour. The woman - who knew her attacker - and another bystander are critical in hospital. I believe the shooter is still on the run.
It made my blood go cold - we acted on instinct to help someone clearly in distress, as did this innocent in Australia, and he paid with his life. I feel somehow guilty, that it was him and not me, and also relieved, that it was not me.
The Melbourne story is here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/australia/story/0,,2105568,00.html
GG
Monday 11 June 2007
A Quickie
Oh what a wonderful birthday I had!
I just had to log in and write briefly about it all, get it all in print (before my vacuous brain forgets half of it) and luxuriate in the warmth of it all :D
Yes, I am a year older but it's two years since I've properly celebrated by buffday, being out of the country this time last year in a crappy hotel in Prague, with only the cochroaches to keep us company... so it was with delight hubster told me he was organising a party, and thence my lovely siblings booked flights and brought their better halves with them and landed upon us for the weekend.
Firstly, I think I have been drunk most of the last four days. Now I know you don't need to be drunk to have a good time, but it just happened that I had a good time AND got drunk too. A win-win situation some might say.
But my birthday was great. Hubster had loads of lovely presents for me [I do admit, I picked some of them out myself] but my surprise "introduction to horse riding" course was just FAB. I am both terrified and excited about going horse riding again. I can't wait. What's the saying "feel the fear but do it anyway" .. well, I'll certainly be doing that.
I had THREE birthday cakes. I kid you not. If anyone fancies a bit of choccy cake we've still got the best part of one left! Yum... I made one (just in case!), lovely friend Rosalyn made one and best friend Ali brought one too.... Oh heaven! ...
We danced and drank and sang and boogied til the wee small hours Saturday night. it was Fab. The Smiths, The Cure, ELO, you name it, DJ Hubster played it. Wunderbar!!!
My sister made cocktails and her boyfriend managed to spill beer not once, not twice but three times... my floor was a lovely mucky mess post-party...
Ah well, joyous times. What a wonderful Parteeeee...
I titled this "a quickie" and have still managed to rattle on...
Well, really I was referring to all the hubster and I managed the entire weekend with all the comings and goings... AHEM....
I just had to log in and write briefly about it all, get it all in print (before my vacuous brain forgets half of it) and luxuriate in the warmth of it all :D
Yes, I am a year older but it's two years since I've properly celebrated by buffday, being out of the country this time last year in a crappy hotel in Prague, with only the cochroaches to keep us company... so it was with delight hubster told me he was organising a party, and thence my lovely siblings booked flights and brought their better halves with them and landed upon us for the weekend.
Firstly, I think I have been drunk most of the last four days. Now I know you don't need to be drunk to have a good time, but it just happened that I had a good time AND got drunk too. A win-win situation some might say.
But my birthday was great. Hubster had loads of lovely presents for me [I do admit, I picked some of them out myself] but my surprise "introduction to horse riding" course was just FAB. I am both terrified and excited about going horse riding again. I can't wait. What's the saying "feel the fear but do it anyway" .. well, I'll certainly be doing that.
I had THREE birthday cakes. I kid you not. If anyone fancies a bit of choccy cake we've still got the best part of one left! Yum... I made one (just in case!), lovely friend Rosalyn made one and best friend Ali brought one too.... Oh heaven! ...
We danced and drank and sang and boogied til the wee small hours Saturday night. it was Fab. The Smiths, The Cure, ELO, you name it, DJ Hubster played it. Wunderbar!!!
My sister made cocktails and her boyfriend managed to spill beer not once, not twice but three times... my floor was a lovely mucky mess post-party...
Ah well, joyous times. What a wonderful Parteeeee...
I titled this "a quickie" and have still managed to rattle on...
Well, really I was referring to all the hubster and I managed the entire weekend with all the comings and goings... AHEM....
Wednesday 6 June 2007
Your place or myspace?
Another month later and here I am again! It seems the weeks are flying by and I can't believe we are halfway through 2007 .... I still haven't got used to writing it yet...
Well, first, formalities. No of course I didn't get pregnant last month - ha! As if! - I was unfortunate enough to get my period two days early this month so it's been and gone already. Leaving me with another four weeks to have fun and try not to think about it...
Hmmm, good luck on that last one GG
Anyway, back to May. It wasn't a bad month at all. We had lots of lovely dinners out, met up with my girlfriends a few times and enjoyed many a glass of wine, and we went away for a week to sunnier climes. It was lovely to chill out, enjoy the sunshine and read some good books.
Two recommendations come to the fore:
1. The Time Traveller's Wife - god, I LOVED this book. Fab, fab, fab. Couldn't put it down, didn't want to finish it either. Very enjoyable. There is so much to love about this book, it wouldn't be fair to point to one or two areas, just read it. And love it. I promise you will.
2. An Interpretation of Murder - by Jed Rubenfeld - this was an interesting and enjoyable book. I loved the whole murder-plot-character development scenarios, enjoyed the NY cop, the usual "stubborn and fiesty" young woman and the charming psychoanalyst. It really was good. I felt, though, that the addition of Freud, Jung et al, was a little unnecessary. It read well, but it didn't add that much to the story for me - it was more like the addition of Freud attempted to make the book more appealing, but for me it added little... and when you read a book that mixes both historical fact and fiction, it's hard to know where one ends and the other begins... It's hard to know what to trust.
A final point before I move on - ok, so the end result wasn't the most dramatic but I certainly see this one being a Hollywood movie in a year or two.
Not sure who would play good cop - Leo di Caprio perhaps? The jury's still out on the other characters, for now.
What else has been going on in May? Well, the hubster has set up a myspace website at last. Lovely man!
It's here: http://www.myspace.com/leejcornell
What a talented guy (yes, I know I'm biased, but honestly, listen in and appreciate his writing talents!) I'm v proud of him!
And as for June - oh there are quite a few things planned. We're off to a black tie dinner next week for hubster's job. He looks quite the James Bond in his DJ (or at least, he could get a job refereeing snooker in the future if he's ever out of work!). I am without a tiara sadly (it's apparently a "black tie and tiara" ball) - I think with some relief really! And who really keeps a tiara in the house? Brides, I guess.... Well, to be honest, I did wear one to my own wedding, but that was my something borrowed, so I'm just going to have to go naked - at least, on my head anyway...
This weekend our place is going to be filled to brimming. My wonderful brother and one of my wonderful sisters are coming to visit, along with their respective boy/girl friends (also wonderful!). I'm so looking forward to having them here for the weekend! They arrive tomorrow night into Heathrow.
I've planned a bit of a late supper for us all to kick start the weekend - Nigella's "muglai" chicken, sweet potato and lentil dhal, and the usual naans and basmati rice. Oh, and ton's of booze.
[God, that's one of the good (?) things about infertility; being able to get trashed on a regular basis!]
I've been busying myself sorting out beds and bedding - two in the spare room, two on the sofa bed in the living room. I've stocked up on milk and bread, and lots of crap food, like crisps and things (normally banned from our house!). I've just got to pick up some hangover fry-up food from the local butchers tomorrow and we're sorted for the next few days. We've a weekend of partying, eating and drinking planned and I'm going to enjoy myself. I best do anyway, hubster has made such a wonderful effort in planning all of this! It's my birthday and he's arranged dinner out on Saturday night, and even a cake! (unheard of in our previous seven years!)
OK, that's it for now... off to read some other blogs before dinner ... next time I write I hope to be full of details on this party weekend!
GG
Well, first, formalities. No of course I didn't get pregnant last month - ha! As if! - I was unfortunate enough to get my period two days early this month so it's been and gone already. Leaving me with another four weeks to have fun and try not to think about it...
Hmmm, good luck on that last one GG
Anyway, back to May. It wasn't a bad month at all. We had lots of lovely dinners out, met up with my girlfriends a few times and enjoyed many a glass of wine, and we went away for a week to sunnier climes. It was lovely to chill out, enjoy the sunshine and read some good books.
Two recommendations come to the fore:
1. The Time Traveller's Wife - god, I LOVED this book. Fab, fab, fab. Couldn't put it down, didn't want to finish it either. Very enjoyable. There is so much to love about this book, it wouldn't be fair to point to one or two areas, just read it. And love it. I promise you will.
2. An Interpretation of Murder - by Jed Rubenfeld - this was an interesting and enjoyable book. I loved the whole murder-plot-character development scenarios, enjoyed the NY cop, the usual "stubborn and fiesty" young woman and the charming psychoanalyst. It really was good. I felt, though, that the addition of Freud, Jung et al, was a little unnecessary. It read well, but it didn't add that much to the story for me - it was more like the addition of Freud attempted to make the book more appealing, but for me it added little... and when you read a book that mixes both historical fact and fiction, it's hard to know where one ends and the other begins... It's hard to know what to trust.
A final point before I move on - ok, so the end result wasn't the most dramatic but I certainly see this one being a Hollywood movie in a year or two.
Not sure who would play good cop - Leo di Caprio perhaps? The jury's still out on the other characters, for now.
What else has been going on in May? Well, the hubster has set up a myspace website at last. Lovely man!
It's here: http://www.myspace.com/leejcornell
What a talented guy (yes, I know I'm biased, but honestly, listen in and appreciate his writing talents!) I'm v proud of him!
And as for June - oh there are quite a few things planned. We're off to a black tie dinner next week for hubster's job. He looks quite the James Bond in his DJ (or at least, he could get a job refereeing snooker in the future if he's ever out of work!). I am without a tiara sadly (it's apparently a "black tie and tiara" ball) - I think with some relief really! And who really keeps a tiara in the house? Brides, I guess.... Well, to be honest, I did wear one to my own wedding, but that was my something borrowed, so I'm just going to have to go naked - at least, on my head anyway...
This weekend our place is going to be filled to brimming. My wonderful brother and one of my wonderful sisters are coming to visit, along with their respective boy/girl friends (also wonderful!). I'm so looking forward to having them here for the weekend! They arrive tomorrow night into Heathrow.
I've planned a bit of a late supper for us all to kick start the weekend - Nigella's "muglai" chicken, sweet potato and lentil dhal, and the usual naans and basmati rice. Oh, and ton's of booze.
[God, that's one of the good (?) things about infertility; being able to get trashed on a regular basis!]
I've been busying myself sorting out beds and bedding - two in the spare room, two on the sofa bed in the living room. I've stocked up on milk and bread, and lots of crap food, like crisps and things (normally banned from our house!). I've just got to pick up some hangover fry-up food from the local butchers tomorrow and we're sorted for the next few days. We've a weekend of partying, eating and drinking planned and I'm going to enjoy myself. I best do anyway, hubster has made such a wonderful effort in planning all of this! It's my birthday and he's arranged dinner out on Saturday night, and even a cake! (unheard of in our previous seven years!)
OK, that's it for now... off to read some other blogs before dinner ... next time I write I hope to be full of details on this party weekend!
GG
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