It's been a while...

Twenty eight cycles to be precise. Twenty eight attempts to get pregnant, three of which with fertility drugs, and none have worked so far.

Right now, I feel I am reaching the end of the road.

We are into our fourth cycle of treatment, and physically, I am feeling ok this month. A little tired, a little crabby, but generally ok. Emotionally, I am also hanging in there and trying to stay positive.

But I have, I believe, started to accept that it may never happen to us. If one in six couples experience infertility, then hey - it's our bad luck that we have. But if 4 in 5 couple who attempt fertility treatment still fail to conceive, then I don't really like thinking about those odds.

I'm committed - we're both committed - to doing IUI if this cycle of clomid doesn't work, but I must admit to feeling a little scared about the injections, the drugs, the side effects, the stress...
Honestly, I'm not sure if I want to do IVF if that doesn't work. I never thought I'd feel this way, I've never understood people who've said they don't want to do IVF, but in the last few weeks, I have come to understand that perspective. WE have to come first. I'm not sure if I want to put our relationship through all of this over and over and over again. It's just not fair.

I've spoken to L and as always he's listened and been wonderful. But I think he too is relieved that we might one day draw a line under this. I want to be able to say: We've tried, we've tried as hard as we could, but we had to stop sometime.

I know I will feel differently when my period comes, if my period comes, and there will be times when I will never want to give up, but in all honestly, how much of this is fair - on both of us? Just writing this all down may help me in the next few months...

I have to let go on my desire to have a biological child, somehow, and get on with planning our future together.

I don't believe in "if it's meant to be, it will be" but I do believe in making the best of what you've got. And we've still got each other; and we're amazing together. So let's celebrate that for a while.