Desperate for an immaculate conception...

I've had better weeks. Things have been going from bad to fecking worse the last couple of days and I'm finding it really hard to keep my head above water lately.

Today/tomorrow our 30th cycle ttc will have ended and I am losing sight of us ever getting there. Our 30th cycle ends pretty much like all the rest; anticipation, hope, and eventually failure.

I'm so worn out, tired and emotional from all of this, I can't even express myself properly. All I know is, we are both so sad and we are running out of options. We have a couple of cycles of clomid left and then we have to start thinking about ivf ...

I can't stop crying these days as yet more and more friends and family announce their good news. Tis the season to be jolly? I can't think happy thoughts about Christmas. All I want - all we want - for Christmas, is the one thing we just can't have and there is no rhyme or reason for it.

And to top it all, I think our lack of a baby is making people feel awkward around us. In fact, I know that people dread telling me they are pregnant, and there's nothing I can do to make that better. I wish to goodness I could be really happy when people tell us their news - and I am happy for them of course - but I also feel so full of despair and desperation for our own situation at the same time, that their happiness is always tinged with my/our own sadness. I have hidden too many tears these last few weeks, and shed too many also.

Every time someone tells me they are pregnant, I mentally count the months til their due date and tell myself that maybe, just maybe, by the time their baby comes along I'll be pregnant. Then I'll be fine. But I have gone from one friends pregnancy, to anothers, and anothers and anothers... and no, I haven't lost count - I have plenty of baby announcement cards to remind me of their happy events - and we have never managed it. When my friend told me in September that she was due in February, I felt SO SO sure that we would be pregnant by then - we were just starting out on clomid and I was convinced it would work first time. But it didn't, or the second time, and we haven't managed to get pregnant this month either.

And I'm fast running out of opportunities before February so I have had to resolve myself that it won't happen by then. But now there are other babies due in April, May and June... surely we could be pregnant before then, couldn't we? Frankly, I'm not feeling so confident about that either right now.

Plus, I think people are acting like we're doing it wrong or something, by not being pregnant yet. It's almost like "well, you can't be doing it right, otherwise it'd happen by now" or "you've just got to have more sex". AHHH!!! So I would like to take this opportunity right now to say we are doing it right, thank you very much, and we are having lots and lots of sex, thank you also for your interest, now please feck off and mind your own business!!

I pulled out my gynie paperwork tonight and looked over our test results from the last few months and they are all "perfect". There is absolutely nothing wrong with the numbers, the results, the figures. Everything is so-called perfect; and yet we still cannot conceive.

I'm just finding it really hard to conceive of us ever conceiving... Praying for a miracle

GG

Frustration and Hope

I shouldn't have been so bloody happy; I should've seen this coming...

The twin torments, Frustration and Hope, paid me a visit at 5.30 this morning. Thankfully, they didn't wake L, at least initially.

Of course, Frustration arrived first; huffing and puffing, stomping around my room, snarling, red hair billowing, muscles shining, with something of the amazonian woman in her stance. She stomped and clenched and stormed and generally made much of a fuss as she woke me from my slumber.

"WHY does it have to be ME? Why indeed US? Why can't we have a baby??? Why will nothing work? Why! Why? WHY?!? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" she thundered. I could only agree with her. It carried on for some time.... "How long do we have to wait? What have we done to be punished this way? Why can't we just be NORMAL?!?!?!"

Just when I was thinking I would never fall back asleep and the tears began, in wafted Hope. In fact, she glided in, clothes lithe and flowing, hair long and soft, face gentle. "Hush hush" she softly said. "Out with you.."

There was a bit of a tussle between her and Frustration but eventually Frustration stomped off, looking for somewhere else to vent at 6am. No doubt she'll be back.

Hope softened, touched, cuddled, soothed. "It WILL happen, you have to believe it. It WILL happen." Her mantra itself could put me to sleep. She was dream-like, blithe, effervescent. "This is our month; this is it. It WILL happen. You have to BELIEVE it."

She shushed and comforted and soothed me, gentle hands across my brow, gentle thoughts to slow my beating heart, comfort, comfort.

"It WILL happen".

And so I fell back asleep for a time. Frustration and Hope had come and gone, in equal measures.

Of course, now I worry their cousin Despair may put in an appearance some time soon. There's only so much a girl can cope with, and banshee-like wailing and flailing is not a pleasant thought.

I shouldn't have been so bloody happy; I should've seen this coming...

The Teacher and the Student

Just a wee update from me; the weeks are flying by and I've found it difficult to keep up with posting. It was hard enough before but now I have taken on a Postgrad Certificate to keep me busy, I have even less time available than before. I am doing an officially recognised qualification for teaching in higher education so yet again I am the Student. There is a lot to read and plenty to learn but I'm looking forward to it.

I am still not pregnant, but we remain positive and we keep trying. What else can we do? I'm not about to just give up, am I?

I'm also off the booze again, just for a couple of weeks. I don't feel remarkably different to before, I'm still tired a lot (a side effect of my current medication, I suspect) but at least I haven't woken up with a dozy head in a while....

The weeks are getting busier and busier but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Teaching starts again at the beginning of October, so that's an extra 3-4 hours per week to fit in, but one of my research projects also finishes up around the end of October, so the teaching can fill that gap: financially as much as anything else!

Our main project is going well; we are in the midst of analysing the quantitative and qualitative data from the questionnaires and it is time-consuming and, sometimes, tedious, but we're slowly getting there and it's coming together well. I hope to present a paper on some of the findings in the new year, I'm just not sure what angle I'm going to take as yet. I need to give it some thought (when I get a chance to).

In three weeks time we're heading off to Kent for what will hopefully be a romantic, tranquil weekend away. Can't wait. We have booked a beautiful little cottage by the coast and are planning on beach walks, strolls round town, cosy dinners and snuggling up together afterwards. Bliss.

Chances are my next post will be after that; but I'll try to drop in more often

GGx

I've lost count...

I thought Friday was a tough one but Saturday went one - no, make that TWO - better.

Two more of our close friends were both on the phone within an hour of each other telling me they are pregnant. I was, and still am, delighted for them but just felt so so awful afterwards. It was more than I could bear. Our plans for the day went out the window as I really couldn't face going out and I ended up weeping at home for most of the afternoon.
I wish this would all just stop now.
I've done my penance and I'd really appreciate a break.
Please can we have a baby? Is it too much to ask?

Three's a crowd

I am having a fairly crappy baby-day. One of those ones that starts out fine, things plod along as normal, and then WHAM! you get hit with one baby-news after another. I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself and just get on with it, but it sucks, so excuse me if I get it all out of my system and vent a little.

This morning we visited my lovely new gynie at Queen Charlotte's. I had a scan and the news was all good; two follicles - one teeny tiny one and one nice big 17mm one - and "perfect" lining in my uterus. My blood results are back and everything is normal and as it should be.

Whooopppeeeee.... time to start baby-making. Again.

That's the thing of it; all the news is good, as it is, I presume, every other month, and we're still here trying month after month for a baby. Will it ever happen? Is it more frustrating to know everything is normal and still you don't conceive, or to know something is wrong and you can't conceive? I'm not sure I'll ever be faced with the answer to this. But for me, to know that all is "as it should be" means I will get my hopes up, build up my aspirations and end up dreaming about being pregnant before this cycle is out... and most likely all for nothing.

The fall down is so much further and more painful when you've allowed yourself to climb to such dumb heights in the first place.

But I was on a high this morning; good scan, nice doc, the traffic was being kind all the way to work. Hey, it's even a Friday so here comes the weekend! I had two meetings set up in the office today. In the first meeting, with my mentor who is a lovely man, we were engrossed in a very interesting chat about research, funding and my possible future at the university; all good stuff. His phone rang and he apologised and answered it. His voice and his face said it all. His daughter, who had been married a few months ago, was on the line telling him she was pregnant. He was delighted. She was delighted. Wonderful news. He hung up and apologised, and said I could probably guess what it was about. I mumbled some congratulations and tried to make light of it;
ME: "Is this their first?"
HIM: "Yeah, but she's been very broody so we knew it wouldn't be long"...
ME: Long silence while I bite my tongue...
while inside my head a voice is screaming "BUT I'M BROODY TOO ... WHY NOT ME? WHEN WILL IT BE ME?!?!"
His phone rang again and it was his wife, hugely excited at the news.... I could almost picture my parents having the same conversation one day... maybe.

Then my phone rang and I excused myself and took the call outside; it was good news - my doc ringing to tell me my tests were all fine. Great. See you in a month, then. Back in infertility land again.

I went straight from that meeting over to another in a separate building, where baby number 2 was. This time it was a lovely little eight-week old girl - my colleague brought her in as she hadn't a babysitter to cover our meeting. She was lovely; I got a little cuddle; brought some presents and we basically oohed and ahhhed over the baby while discussing continuous professional development issues and our project's completion date.
My colleague joked to me: "You're not getting broody, are you?"
I didn't even have the strength to joke back, I just replied something along the lines of "We'd love a baby but it hasn't happened... been trying for a coupla years..." and let the conversation drop. When she asked what we were going to do about it and I mumbled something incomprehensible, she very sensitively left it at that and got back to discussing the merits of pram versus sling...

So eventually I slinked back to the security of my office and opened up my emails. Lots of work to do before I head home. Thinking: I'll just check my private ones before I get down to the nitty-gritty. And there it was; baby incident number 3. I had sent an old work colleague an email yesterday wishing her well for her new life, and asking how her wedding had been last month. She sent me a lovely long reply, along with pictures of their wedding and telling me how happy she was. And then she hit me - BAM! - "you might've noticed I've put on a bit of weight lately; I am 18 weeks pregnant"

I haven't yet got round to composing the right kind of reply.

Is nowhere safe? Not the office, not email, definitely not the street with all those prams and buggies about the place... Is there nowhere safe for an infertile like me to go and hide for a few hours? While I think about having sex tonight because the doc said so? Did all these people just have babies because they wanted to? Did it just happen naturally, normally, accidentally?

My dear mentor was so excited about being a grandad he started telling me about "this time 30 years ago" when he and his wife hadn't been too careful, and she thought she was pregnant - he'd had to take her sample to the chemist for the result, and how happy he was coming back to the office and telling everyone... Do people really still do that?

And if they do, could they just, please, not tell me about it.... Not until Monday at least, when we will have done our bit and I can move on to the hope and naivity of the two-week-wait until my period's due.

GG

For Baby Sharp

We miss you loads, though we never met you...

These are my footprints,
So perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
Never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant,
For other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,
In the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
Of joy and not from pain.

These tiny footprints,
Are found on mammy's heart.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.

Fell of the wagon.. or was it the horse?

Durrr.... as Homer Simpson would say - it's two weeks later and much has happened. I keep promising myself I will try to write every day but as a born procrastinator, what did I really expect?

Anyhoo, lots have happened. Both good and bad. After a wonderful week of detox we got some shocking and sad news on the Friday night and L and I were so distraught we comforted each other, and then found comfort in a few bevvies too. Quite a few vodkas were partaken of... oh well, such is life. "The detox at least helped me prepare for the onslaught", I thought. And it was much needed. The wagon was fallen on, packed up and put away and we were en route to Hicksville ...

The following day we dragged our butts out of bed and ran a few errands. Even L felt rubbish, and he rarely gets hangovers (damn that man!). That night we went to a friends party - along with our rotten hangovers - and I had one or two drinks but that was it. I couldn't face any more. Felt too rough. "Damn detox", I thought, "Where has my stamina gone!?"

Thank God for Sunday. A day of rest was much needed, and restored some normality to our home!

On Weds last, I helped organise a friends hen night (did two nights of detox in preparation!) and we had a ball. What a laugh. It was great fun and the other hens were lovely; there were eight of us, just the right size really, and it was really really good fun. We had dinner out, played a few silly games (no 20-something willies and condoms stuff, mind you) and consumed a few drinkies. We eventually left the hen sleeping on her sofa around 1am on Thursday morning, wrapped in tinsel and a painfully tight tiara, surrounded by broken champagne glasses; I haven't a clue who broke them, but I know I was still drinking mine when there was glass on the floor [the trick is to never put your glass down]. I got a text from her 7 hours later saying thanks for a brilliant night and that she'd woken up on the bathroom floor ... hmmm!

Still and all, she doesn't seem to remember who broke the glasses either, but she says she had a great time. Can't wait for the wedding now - next week!

Last week I also managed to do three pregnancy tests. Quite a record for me. My period came and went in about a 24 hour "period" but consisted of nothing but spotting. So I thought it was still due, if you know what I mean. So I waited some more. But nope, no sign of it. Went to my GP and discussed it with her and she suggested I might be preggers. Hmmm.... I got excited for about 1/8 of a second ... and then resigned myself to believing the pregnancy tests and thus no, I can't be preggers (and then went on the hen night bender, with renewed vigour).

Despite that, I did promise her I would test again in a week, but with zero symptoms I think I am about to waste yet another pg test tomorrow morning. In fact, I think I'm ovulating again - jeez, doesn't time fly? - so I am kind of geared up for this months efforts instead. I've got a back up plan though and am back to see my ole consultant next week to have more blood work done. Yipeeedee... The joys of infertility.

What else... oooooh yes. L had a wonderful surprise for me arranged for last week. My day of learning to ride a horse. Oh yaay!!

GG (isn't that a horse term anyway? As in: "put some GGs on that nag there Michael"??) had never been on a horse before in her life. [I mean, me. I'd never been on a horse before in my life. I must stop talking about myself in the third person!]

Back to the horses :

It was amazing! Oh lordy though, my ASS was killing me afterwards. My poor bottom!! And my blinking shoulders, legs, arms, bum, bum, bum... but it was brilliant. I loved it. The horses were HUGE. And I didn't exactly learn to ride in a day, I more or less learned how to throw yourself up on a horse with all the grace of a dung beetle, slide off a horse in the manner of a person falling from a window... and sit there looking cool while we "walked on"...

Ah it was great; all I needed was a cowboy hat and a blade of straw. Well, to be fair there was plenty of straw as we walked round Wimbledon Common but I couldn't quite reach down that far from the height I was at to pull any up.

People out picnicking actually took photos of us! (Eejits!) Still, it was great. I learnt a few bits and pieces; positioning, names ("reigns", "canter", "horse", etc!) and we did a bit of "trotting". Hilarious; bouncing around on the horse, with your arse slamming up and down... well, sort-of hilarious. What was the other term I was thinking of? Oh yes - "painful as hell". I need to keep practising that one. But apparently my posture is excellent... fnar!!!!

Anyway, it was a brilliant day and the sun was shining and I got a few freckles. We got home around 4.30 and I took to my bath.
And then I took to my bed for a doze, too.
And then I spent the next three days tottering around as gently as possible, trying not to move a single muscle.
Seriously.

My ass is still killing me...

So thence to the weekend, and we had dinner with friends, which was lovely, and I had another few glasses of wine (as you can tell, I'm not taking this "might be preggers" lark very seriously, otherwise I would of course be off the booze) but I am back on the detox again now for another week and I must say, my patches don't look half as bad as the first week. I MUST be improving. Less toxins....yaay! Roll on the weekend and I'm looking forward to replacing those toxins with fresh ones as we party on Saturday night....

And so to another month. Hurray for August; the sun is finally shining! And bye-bye July; I may have fallen off the wagon but at least I managed to hang on to the horse!

GGx