I shouldn't have been so bloody happy; I should've seen this coming...
The twin torments, Frustration and Hope, paid me a visit at 5.30 this morning. Thankfully, they didn't wake L, at least initially.
Of course, Frustration arrived first; huffing and puffing, stomping around my room, snarling, red hair billowing, muscles shining, with something of the amazonian woman in her stance. She stomped and clenched and stormed and generally made much of a fuss as she woke me from my slumber.
"WHY does it have to be ME? Why indeed US? Why can't we have a baby??? Why will nothing work? Why! Why? WHY?!? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" she thundered. I could only agree with her. It carried on for some time.... "How long do we have to wait? What have we done to be punished this way? Why can't we just be NORMAL?!?!?!"
Just when I was thinking I would never fall back asleep and the tears began, in wafted Hope. In fact, she glided in, clothes lithe and flowing, hair long and soft, face gentle. "Hush hush" she softly said. "Out with you.."
There was a bit of a tussle between her and Frustration but eventually Frustration stomped off, looking for somewhere else to vent at 6am. No doubt she'll be back.
Hope softened, touched, cuddled, soothed. "It WILL happen, you have to believe it. It WILL happen." Her mantra itself could put me to sleep. She was dream-like, blithe, effervescent. "This is our month; this is it. It WILL happen. You have to BELIEVE it."
She shushed and comforted and soothed me, gentle hands across my brow, gentle thoughts to slow my beating heart, comfort, comfort.
"It WILL happen".
And so I fell back asleep for a time. Frustration and Hope had come and gone, in equal measures.
Of course, now I worry their cousin Despair may put in an appearance some time soon. There's only so much a girl can cope with, and banshee-like wailing and flailing is not a pleasant thought.
I shouldn't have been so bloody happy; I should've seen this coming...
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2 comments:
I was always very pragmatic. I know it doesn't happen for some people so I would tell myself that if IVF didn't work then we would try donor eggs and if that didn't work then we would adopt. And if we didn't get approval then we would move to another country! So at least then I could say that we would get a baby one way or another. You will get yours too, and hopefully without resorting to any of the above. But the wait is so, so hard. In fact, the less hope you have, the easier it is to deal with the loss and disappointment. And when you have the constant battle between hope and frustration, that is the hardest time of all. I hope the new year brings you everything you hope for.
Thank you FeeBee
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