The cost of intervening - or not

Last night, the hubster and I went out for a bite to eat in the evening, partly because I was feeling too lazy to cook, and partly because hubster had worked hard in the garden all afternoon and deserved a treat. We popped down the road for some pasta and garlic bread, and shared a bottle of yummy Cab Sauv, and were walking home around quarter to ten ...

L heard the noise first, and we both saw what looked, to all intents, like an attempted car jacking ahead in the road. A woman was screaming, over and over, sounding terrified, after a man had jumped into her car on the passenger side. There was a scuffle inside and she jumped out of the drivers side, still screaming "get out of my car" and "help!!!" and "get my son out, help me get my son out!!!".

Hubster wanted to intervene, and started to approach the car, but I held him back... I gave him my mobile and told him to call the police and I approached the car. On her side. I don't know why, but something in my brain was saying it's less risky for a woman to approach a woman, rather than a man approaching a man. The woman was hysterical, screaming about getting her son, but when I approached her I realised she knew the man in the passenger seat - he kept calling her name, trying to get her to listen to him and get back in the car.

So the situation was "domestic". To intervene or not to intervene? There are many who would say walk away and don't look back, but I was out on the road, by the rear door, behind the driver's seat, trying to coax her desperately upset child that it was going to be ok. I tried my best to calm them both, the woman was still screaming "help me get my son out of the car" and the man was still trying to placate her.

A six year old boy was positioned between them, traumatised and in tears.

We managed to get the little boy out of the car, and by this stage another couple had joined the fray, as well as a gentleman from a house across the road. We all tried to comfort the boy while the woman and man - eventually - got out of the road and the car and walked a short distance away to continue their screaming match "in private"...

Meanwhile, hubster had been hanging on the line for the police and eventually gave up and hung up. The police rang back a few minutes later, after we had got everyone out of the car - and so he told them things were under control - we thought - and we were advised to call back immediately if we needed assistance. Luckily, we didn't have to.

We chatted to the little boy, trying to distract him and calm him; the other woman who intervened was a teacher and asked him lots of questions (we discovered PE was his favourite subject at school); her brother told him about the Athens Olympics; the friendly neighbour went into his house and came out with an apple for him, and hubster took off his coat and put it on him to keep him warm. He was shaking. I turned the cuffs up so his hands could reach through the sleeves to eat his apple, it just made him look ever more vulnerable in this jacket that fell down around his ankles and his hands.

Poor little thing. My heart ached.

In the end, the man and woman came back to the car and put their son in the back. They were both calmer but tension was noticeably still in the air. People stood around, not sure whether to move on or not, but we ultimately decided to say goodbye and walk on slowly. The police didn't need to come - or so I hoped - and we drifted away. We walked on up the road, stopped every now and then to look over our shoulder and make sure they were ok - but eventually turned off into our road and our home.

It was only when we got indoors that we could really talk about it. L said he thought he saw the man strike the woman when he jumped into the car initially. He thinks he saw his arm stretch across, and her head swing into the window as if on impact. I didn't see this, and I was left with a feeling that maybe I had failed her. Maybe there was something more I could do.

How do we know whether we should intervene in any situation? How do we know what is the right thing to do? I felt we did the right thing, and I believe it was best for me to approach the woman, rather than my husband, and try to neutralise the situation somehow. I don't know why; I hope it was the right thing to do.

But I also hope telling the police not to come after all was the right thing to do. I couldn't sleep last night thinking that the little boy might end up in tears again. And his mum. Or worse.

And then this morning I read about the shooting in Melbourne, where an innocent bystander intervened in a fight between a man and a woman, and was shot dead - in the middle of the morning rushhour. The woman - who knew her attacker - and another bystander are critical in hospital. I believe the shooter is still on the run.

It made my blood go cold - we acted on instinct to help someone clearly in distress, as did this innocent in Australia, and he paid with his life. I feel somehow guilty, that it was him and not me, and also relieved, that it was not me.

The Melbourne story is here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/australia/story/0,,2105568,00.html

GG